Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
