Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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