The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
