Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
