she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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