I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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