how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
