I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
