omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
