Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Pants are for mortals
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
