Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
farters have to be the big spoon...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
