I just cut my nipple shaving
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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