did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
where does the pee come out of this thing
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
