I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Randomize
