Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
