So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
