Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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