Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
