He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
