The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
BRING THE BAGELS
you made out with another girl for some wings
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