All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
