Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
