i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
