I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
