Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize