I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
