I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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