I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
