I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
