I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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