There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
