you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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