so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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