So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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