My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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