My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
