i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
