is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
