The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
is wine microwaveable?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
