Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize