he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
