Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
