Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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