It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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