I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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