I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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