I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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