did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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