im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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