I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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