Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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