I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
