i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
