Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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