Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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