Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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