I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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