mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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