I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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