her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
