my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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