If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
